My son woke me this morning... at 2am... with a fever and throwing up. My other son woke me this morning at 4:30, same deal... and decided not to go back to bed. This has been going on for a week. My aunt died 4 days ago, and my 9 year old cousin is suffering through stage 4b cancer. Add to this, the depression I've been struggling with and the marriage issues I wrote about two days ago and you can guess how I might have been feeling at dawn.
BUT I had a doctor's appointment. It took every ounce of strength I had to get the four kids out the door (barf buckets and all) and down to the office 30 minutes away. I was late. Still I was thankful to have the appointment, and I called ahead and said I would be late and that the appointment would no longer be for me but my little ones. No problem.
Until I got there... And my doctor lectured me about being late, and changing his patient load and that I need to hear how inconsiderate I've been. Up to that point I think I'd been handling the stress pretty well, but let me tell you, his words stung, and a lump formed in my throat. I tried to explain myself but it wasn't going anywhere. I was going to hear it.
Sometimes I wonder why the Lord lets us get into these situations. You know, when you know in your heart you've been trying your best, but its just not good enough. When you've been giving your heart and your strength and your energy away until you feel like you have nothing left to hang on but with a thread... and then someone comes along with the scissors... and I wonder why?
And I know why. To give me opportunity to be faithful in a trial, to show the love of Christ, loving someone when its hard, and to be carried by the Holy Spirit when I can't do it on my own. But what gets me is the suffering part. Often I think I am only doing well if I am conquering and things are easy, but the Word speaks about suffering for Christ. When all is not going well, and I am failing, but I still believe that the Lord is carrying me, then I am a conqueror, because He conquers.
Aren't you glad?
I don't think it would be appropriate on a family-friendly blog to tell you with what words I wanted to respond to my gp. But I did apologize, and say I'd try not to do it again. And he did not apologize in return. Ouch. So I called my hubby and whined about the situation and how hurt I was (yes, I still have some work to do in my righteousness training :-)).
Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. 1 Peter 2:18 <- there is a good principle in there...
If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. James 1:26
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you... Luke 6:27-28.
Isn't this exactly what Jesus did for us? And I wonder how many times I've been "the good doctor" who sinfully said what should not have been said, or was sorely lacking in compassion.
"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' Matthew 18:32-33.
Oh Lord Jesus...please forgive me for not loving the way You do. I know that if I don't forgive, then the Father will not forgive me. Pour your grace on us all, and bring us into Your kingdom. Oh, and heal my children too. Thanks God.
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